The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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