dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
