yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
