It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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