Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
