why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
