if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm jealous of your bromance
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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