She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
