For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
