I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
