sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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