I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
