I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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