Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
