I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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