I faked an abortion last night.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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