Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
