Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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