i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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