Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
