My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
