Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
