I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
