He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
