I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
