What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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