my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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