Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
