I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
