fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
