On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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