you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You left your phone here
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