he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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