You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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