party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
