Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
