What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
