Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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