the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
