Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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