Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
did i walk over a car last night?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
