I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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