brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
