my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
