went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
