When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
