I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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