You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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