best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She bit a glass in half.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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