Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
