i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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