Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
